Conflict is a normal part of a relationship. How do you ensure it’s kept at bay or resolve it if it isn’t? There are lots of techniques around designed to assist with managing conflict, but do they all work? Which ones if any do you use? See if you can recognise any of the following three common techniques:

• Talking stick Perhaps you are seeking better communication with the assistance of the talking stick technique. This tool dates back to the American Indian tribes and address the common relationship misdemeanor of interrupting others while they are talking. Here’s how it works: Person A or Person B, holds the stick. The person holding the stick talks, while the other person listens and is not allowed to say a word until the stick is surrendered. The stick is then passed to the other person and the technique repeated. If you’re using this method you’re not alone. It’s become so popular that you may have even seen it now making appearances in schools, corporate board rooms and team dressing rooms. In theory it is a very effective way to remove barriers, and to allow people to express themselves with complete freedom.
• Assertive communication If the use of physical objects doesn’t tickle your fancy, what about assertive communication techniques? Here the idea is to attempt to omit the word “you” from your speech, and communicate instead with “I” statements. It’s meant to work beautifully when things start getting heated. The idea is to assert your own rights without creating conflict. Hand in hand with this technique is the ability to choose which battle to suit-up for, and to know when it’s not worth it to.
• Thinking before you speak Words can most certainly hurt more than sticks and stones. You may have heard the suggestion “don’t say anything if you don’t have anything good to say”. We know that the least amount said is better in a disagreement. Think about this. If we write a letter to someone, we usually read it over at least once to make sure it sounds alright. For most of us we don’t always think before we communicate, least of all in a disagreement. This can lead to having to remove your foot from your mouth, and once the words leave your mouth it is impossible to take them back.

Resolving it

There are several reocurring themes when it comes to resolving conflict. A key ingredient to resolving conflicts quickly and peacefully, is to remain CALM.  Another theme is that it is possible to reach an understanding so long as one has the right attitude. Right okay, makes sense. Problem is that in most cases angry people are screaming to be heard, and are certainly not in a place conducive to a good attitude. To be effective then, any conflict management technique needs to be practiced in a place of right attitude. But how do you get there?  

Step 1. Remain calm

Humor, and the use of a metaphor. The technique is this: use a funny metaphor to cast matters in a different light. It really works! For example try this – prior to things catching on fire, imitate the ‘Psycho stabbing best film death’ – both verbally and physically. You know the one. The scene in Hitchcock’s Psycho where George Bates stabs Marion Crane in the shower. Remember the noise? Try imitating the *Stabbing sounds and actions* and also add in a *strangling in-out gesture with the hands and arms*. Do it. The angry flow is disrupted, and the result may just be laughter. Now, I’m  really hoping you are catching the drift of what I’m suggesting, and that it’s not coming across as relationship madness. This type of use of a metaphor with resulting humor (it will be fun coming up with your own metaphor) should prove useful when attempting to resolve your own relationship conflict . Let me know how you go.